isk-personal 1
1. My wife used to complain and grumble with irritation telling me to help work in on-going work in the backyard. You are not here to enjoy rest and have a good food. I had never expected such a hamulating behavior from my wife. We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them only to never really get there. They will be completely lovely one day and the next you will be wondering what you have done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude -- you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they will give you just enough to let you know that there is something. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy.
It's a heartbreaking situation for me that I can not decorate or install the lightings or fencing wire, so that backyard garden could become good and attractive. It's a heartbreaking situation for me that I can not share my views during their discussion or they could pick up the topics of my interest.
2. Her father and she used to go into her own Car to the Home Depo mall and other shopping mall, for purchase and she did never invited me to come with them in the car for the purchase or my son drive the car for purchase. I did never express my unhappiness for the insult or never grumble to please my son. When someone you care about is depressed, offering advice or wisdom may be something you do with only good intentions in mind. However, the words you use may not convey the message you want to send—especially if you don't understand the nature of depression and mental illness.
3. As and when I used to make direct purchase on-line any items including Vegetables, or Crookeries etc., my son used to tell me openly, to not to buy the items or avoid shopping online, telling that such items are available @ cheaper rate at Costco or other indian groceries. This is really distressing to hear a minor issues that is causing disturbances to my daughter in law.
4. My wife used to be busy at Kitchen with her mother, to make them happy and used to get advise for doing an extra thing and try evict me if I enter into the kitchen. I used to be alone sitting aloof in the room, waiting for somebody to come near me and talk. My wife and my son had no time to talk with me or sometimes, she used to direct me what to do or what not, to please her son or her daughter in law or her daughter in law's parents. It was distressing me that my own people are ignoring and hurting me, mainly reason is that to please the new relations.
5. Her mother started quarrelling that we are avoiding food made by her that we are insulting her. My wife started pacifying her that we like to eat all types of food made by anybody at home. We told her that some food items that we like the most is non-veg items.
It is pathetic that we all suffer from this and also tried our best to normalize it. we told them that we do not hate. We told her that you people are our relatives and we will never hate her because she has done too many things against us. Even she asked my wife that how you adjusted your husband, who misbehaves from time to time and use insulting words. It's a heartbreaking situation for me that
6. Her mother told my wife to not to take up the work of Watering the garden, as it is being got done by her husband.
7. Akil had his own issues at home. Akil's wife never came to welcome us, as and when we went there or rather she was not happy on our arrival at her home. It is learn that She (Akil's wife) try to mislead Adil's, saying then his parents are very rude, Arrogant, Impolite and not good. She defamed both the brothers within the friends' group. It was very distressing moment for our whole life and we can not express our unhappiness about what she has done.
8. When I told her to not to go along at night to SJSU University and go with Akil, she started arguing that she has never told her friends that she is married. In turn, her mother called us to distance away from her daughter.
9. On 23-01-2022, When I went to Akil's home, at Evening Akil asked us as to when we are planning to return Livermore or vacate the room or whether we can occupy neighboring room of Krishna, for the stay or should I arrange for your return.
10. Adil used to discuss many items on lunch's table, with her Wife and his in law's parents, rather than discussing with us. His in-laws were from engineering background or may be very chalak lomdi that one can be trapped.
11. Axis Bank Credit Card: This Credit card failed to keep my respect and it is declining the payment.
12. They used to play Gambling card. Dances for marriage ceremony. She used to blame me for not mixing up among all and practice dancing with my wife or playing Gambling card or watching movies on TV.
13. My son used to blame me for a bad smell in the toilet because of me and she used to grumble for not keeping toilet hygienic, and clean. it is utter my bad luck that I had nobody in my favour.
14. During marriage ceremony, Adil's wife engaged the room where my blazer was hanging and it took more than an hour, consequently, I was sitting outside room without dress change or nobody was with me. It hurts me lot. My wife and her Sons were enjoying photo shoot with their friends. But nobody came to me enquire about my pathetic condition. Who cares ? All were enjoying the party except me and nobody had any mercy at least query for my silence.
15. During purchase of Furniture or other items at IKEA, for their home, they never took our advise, as they were Engineers. We were just following them or just accompanying them, as passers-by.
16. On last day of our Stay at USA date 28.02.2022, When we went with all to Walmart for shopping our items to carry to India, they Adil's wife and Akil's wife, started picking up the items for use of their own. Nishita was busy in buying items for her dog and Sadiya was busy in buying cosmetics items and Both Adil and Akil looking at this Drama without any feelings.
17. Adil said that Akil's wife has defamed amongst their friends that his Parents are very rude and impolite with all people.
Akil's wife has also contacted Nishita (Adil's wife) and try to pressurize to not to marry Adil, because his Parents are not good or very rude.
On first day, when there were so many people sitting around, akil told Sadiya to come with him to met me, as I was not feeling well, but she refused to follow him and insulted akil.
As and when Akil used to come to meet us along with Sadiya She never salute or Salam Dua. Even as and when we went to Akil's house she never respected and saluted. She used to be sitting in Master bedroom, under the pretext of College studies, rather she had no time to greet.
As and when we went to meet Akil's house, she used to leave the house to meet her college friends in the building and use to tell after returning back as to how her college friend is facing the problems in the apartment.
As and when I used to pronounce certain items or topics in English, she used to mock and laugh, without caring about any respect. As and when I used to go for purchase of Grocery items, they use to ignore, if I pick up items and put in trolley or my wife used to tell to not pick up items without consulting ladies.
When ADIL planned in August 2022 to visit India, we told her that we can come to the Airport to receive her, as flight is arriving at Mumbai and late night, she refused to accept our offer and said that her mother has already arranged Car with Driver for travel from Mumbai to Pune. After her arrival at her mother's house, she came to our house only once in 30 days, even if she has been our daughter in law. She went to meet her college friends and stay with them whole day in Lulla nagar, rather than preferring our home for stay and enjoy. My wife told me with full of tears that what harm we have done. Relations are very complicated and delicate. It’s saddening to recover the past memories and shed tears.
When Akil's wife came to India, for a month, she spent 30 days with her mother but she never came to our house, the reason she must be knowing.
If there is two daughter in laws with different of opinion, they quarrel
The lack of realization for the mother that it will take time for the mother to slowly distance herself from the son in whom she has invested all her heart and soul, and get used to him spending lesser and lesser time with her than before. Daughter in law should understand that you can not take away one mother's son and ask him to not to care and forget their parents. Mother in law wants to teach her daughter in laws, traditions, rules and rituals and everything which she has learnt from the society. But Daughter in law wants freedom, she wants to make her own rules, she feels insulting to her that mother in law dominating her thinking. Daughter in law is highly educated, egoist for her knowledge/skills. She is ambitious and wants to follow her own rules. She gets too tired after office and doesn't care about her old mother in law.
Why is a DIL daughter in law expected to leave her old parents and adjust to a new home after marriage while the son continues to stay with his parents and be comfortable?
Why is a DIL daughter in law expects that her disobedient behavior should be tolerated and she should be respected as she is working women and earning for their family. Her misdeed of backbiting about her MIL and FIL on social media or among relatives, should be ignored.
All FIL and MIL should assume after their son's marriage that you have not right to meddle in the love life of your grown son. You should check up where is inclining to and allow him to incline happily.
Men have no right to expect their wives to tend to their parents unless and until they themselves look after the wife’s parents equally well and do all the cooking, cleaning, doctor’s visits, etc. for them.(which a daughter-in-law is expected to do all the time.)
Getting used to this shift of priorities cannot happen at the flick of a switch. It has to sink in, gradually. For that the mother must be willing to take a step back and let the son go forward to spend most of his time with his wife and the wife must be willing to think of the mother whose son will have to slowly step away from her a little.
It takes immense grace, maturity and empathy on the part of both the ladies to realize this and deal with this patiently. Neither must look upon the other as a rival. It is a case that needs one woman to have empathy for the other.
Changing the way your DIL daughter-in-law thinks and acts is not one of your options. The only behavior you can control is your own. You can avoid your daughter-in-law and deprive yourself of your family's company.
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on Tour to USA 15.12.2024 to 19.02.2025:
1) When we purchased an Utensils Big Hundi for Liver more, so that we could make Mutton Biryani for the invitees of Aman's Family, expected that there could be a good function, but Elder DIL reacted outside of Grocery shops, in my absence to Adil and Noor, and started grumbling that there is already a less storage in the house, you should avoid purchasing a new items. My wife came to me on reaching home that she angered on this purchase. I told her that you could have reacted and express unhappiness.
जब हमने Liver More के लिए एक बर्तन या बड़ी हुंडी खरीदी, ताकि हम अमन के परिवार के लोगों के लिए मटन बिरयानी बना सकें, तो उम्मीद थी कि एक अच्छा जश्न / समारोह हो सकता है. लेकिन अफ़सोस के DIL ने किराने की दुकानों के बाहर आदिल और नूर को खरी खोटी सुनाई और की मेरी absence में अनादर प्रतिक्रिया व्यक्त की, और बड़बड़ाना शुरू कर दिया कि घर में पहले से ही कम भंडारण है, आपको एक नया सामान खरीदने से परहेज़ करना चाहिए। घर पहुंचने पर मेरी पत्नी मेरे पास आई कि वह इस खरीदारी पर DIL नाराज हो गई है। मैंने उनसे कहा कि आप प्रतिक्रिया दे सकती थीं और नाखुशी व्यक्त कर सकती थीं। मुझे बहुत तोहीन करने जैसे लगा. यह दुर्भाग्य है कि वह हमारे घर पर रहने के दौरान खुश रहने की कोशिश कर सकती थी। हम जान रहे थे कि वह DIL जिद्दी है और ज्यादा समझदार नहीं है. हमारे जीवन में जिद्दी कहलाना आम बात है. हमारी बहू ने साबित कर दिया है कि वह खुले दिल वाली और अच्छी नहीं हो सकती।
बची कूची बिरयानी का हिस्सा चार - 4 दिनों तक हुंडी में पड़ा रहा, अछूता और लावारिस, क्योंकि DIL नाखुश थी. आखिर मैंने खुद उसे निकला और खाने की कोसिस की। ये कैसी बदकिस्मती है के खुशी के तलाश में हम यहाँ आए थे पर यहाँ ढेर सारा गम हमारे लिए तैयार था, अफ़सोस।
"इना देख कर तसल्ली हुई · हाथ छूटें भी तो रिश्ते नहीं छोड़ा करते · काँच के पीछे चाँद भी था और काँच के ऊपर काई भी · शाम से आँख में नमी सी है" आइना देख कर तसल्ली हुई,. हम को इस घर में जानता है कोई"
2) When we were going to look for a new house for Akil, his wife started shouting in the moving car that there was no scope for compromise, don't expect much from me. Hearing Akil's insult, we could not intervene and ask his wife to be polite, but we remained calm.
जब हम अकील के लिए नया घर लेने देखने जा रहे थे, तो उसकी पत्नी चलती कार मे ही चिल्लाने लगी कि समझौते की कोई गुंजाइश नहीं है, मुझसे ज़्यादा उम्मीद नहीं रखना। अकील का अपमान सुनकर हम हस्तक्षेप नहीं कर सके और उसकी पत्नी को विनम्र रहने के लिए नहीं कह सके, लेकिन हम शांत रहे. अकील की पत्नी से कुछ उम्मीदें थीं, अब उम्मीद भी खत्म हो गई है.
3) There has been no chair for siting at table. At last, I shifted one old chair from backyard and started using. After seeing this, he bought new folding iron chair for me.
4) We were at Adil's home for 30 days, but Akil came to met us only on Saturday or Sunday or during tour. I was unhappy about his attitude, but he felt no regret, unfortunately.
5) As and when we went to the Mexican or Italian Restaurant, Our Sons and their wife, habitual to place food order for themselves and for us nobody was bothering.
6) She was habitual to be at home for cooking food for her son, and I used to request to come with me for rambling nearby Garden, but in vain. She was so much fearful to keep her DIL that she used to ask the choices for cooking food for her. Both DILs were of the same attitudes and nature.
7) Normally, one DIL was kept on busy to be her doggy and another DIL was busy with their Cats. They had no time to sit with us and chit chat and respect for our presence. Adil & Akil had no control over her both of them nor she both had any respect about their husbands. They use to shout over Adil or Akil or direct them to work. Probably, Dog and Cats were more valuable or important than their mother and father. To make and kepp them happy, we started taking their Dog to the nearby park for rambling.
8) As and when we all together went for shopping, they were happy to buy items for the animals only- Doggy and Cats or for them selves. They had no time to think about us or may be they must not have taught by their parents.
9) One day we I myself and Adil, went to the Grocery shop Lucky, to buy Grocery and I started filling Cart, Adil to wait till confirming with her wife for the purchase other than Eggs and Milks.
10) They hired a contractual people 1) for cleaning Backyard Garden and 2) another for cleaning home weekly.
11) When I took a medicines brought from Dr. Hambardikar, for both of them, they were reluctant to accept, as their wife was not happy to use for their illness.
12) My wife purchased some articles / garments from COSTCO, for Sultan's wife and another for mother Tadiwala road. About Tadiwala Road, I asked her that it was purchased so many time whenever we were outside India, but she failed to answer.
13) Whenever we go to the Grocery market, my wife use to look at me with anger and say to avoid pick up any items unless permitted by his wife. It was painful and disrespectful for me that my son and my wife has no sense of humor that he is someone, because of whom we are here.
14) I had no SIM for international calls or use mobile for online purchase.
15) In the month of March 2025, when the membership of Adobe was expired, I gave message to Adil to renew. He replied whether you still require the membership. This means membership of adobe is not necessary if youtube is not used by me, as informed by her. She was neither in helping me in these post retirement activity nor she used to enquire about anything. I used to be alone all the way.
16) My post-retirement was more painful than pre-retirement period. It may be the reason that I was an earning member in the house. I started doing as per my plan of post-retirement including - Youtube video, Blog writing, Article writing, Domain purchasing etc., I used to call my wife and ask her to let us we will start Video Editing work for uploading at youtube. Initially, she shown interest and later on, she start ignoring and avoid my call or request to support my work. She used to be in the kitchen for making food rather than ask my interest or express some smile.
In bed, she had no interest to come closer. That may be the reasons I started losing sexual interest in my partner. Is It Normal Not to Be Interested in Sex? The factor responsible for not showing any interest in Sex are- Old Age , Family crowded, health issues etc., But she had more interest in dealing with her friend circles. A long during calls with friends with smiling face and good humor. If your partner is ignoring you, then address it through open and calm communication, expressing your feelings using "I" statements and seeking to understand their perspective, while also being open to finding solutions together. But if you find there is no change in her attitude and ignore you, then, you have to leave her for the time being.
In May, 2025, she joined the group of Yoga, which also took a Zoom meeting to extend help for those having diseases or to those having old age, So she started eating food twice a day and that too something will be irritating. Day by day she was happy to be away from my outings or showing angered on one or other. She never be in touch with my sisters or brothers or called them for advise or helps. So, they were always not prefer to talk or call on her mobile. Indication is that you are good to your won relatives and disregard to your in-laws people.
in May 2025, Adil bought a new car and sent whatsapp photo. I told him that you could have revealed in advance of buying this Car. So, he replied that he is adult and matured enogh to decide. It was shameful for me that day by day respect about me is loosing. If your Son shows a disrespect to his father means, you are no more important or respectable position.
It is said that a
child's disrespect toward their father does not mean a parent is no longer
important or respectable; rather, it can signify a breakdown in the
parent-child relationship, potentially leading to a loss of trust and hurt
feelings. Disrespectful behavior can stem from various factors, including a
lack of connection, a need for attention, or observing disrespectful behavior
in peers. Disrespectful behaviour of the
son is also due to surroundings or friend circle around.
While the child's
actions are their responsibility, it can be a sign that a parent needs to
address the situation by modelling respectful behaviour maintaining
consistency, and potentially seeking professional support for their child. If parents are more dependant financially
that other sources, then thinking of the son’s behaviour undergo change in view
of that he is paying out of his earning.
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When my friend Deshpande, shared me his experience:
1. When they went to meet his son, who is at Detroit for 25 days. During their stay at USA, as and when his son with her wife, used to go for Grocery or shopping, they used to avoid inviting me for shopping or if fortunately went for shopping, and I asked for some item, they ignore.
2. नियत नेक रखो :
- घमंड बता देता है पैसा कितना है, संस्कार बता देते हैं परिवार कैसा है, बातचीत बता देती है इंसान कैसा है.
- नीयत अच्छी और पाक साफ़ हो, तो नतीजे भी अच्छे आते है और अगर नीयत बुरी हो तो नतीजे भी बुरे आते हैं.
- इंसान की पहचान उसकी चेहरे से नहीं होती, नीयत से होती हैं
- मोहब्बत और इबादत में नीयत हमेशा साफ़ रखिए
- अच्छी नीयत ही अच्छा मुक़द्दर है। उस शख्स की तक़दीर बिगड़ जाती है जिसकी नीयत में खोट हो
- बात सजदे की नहीं नीयत की है, अगर नीयत नेक है तो खुशियाँ अनेक हैं
- लोग तुम्हारे कारनामे देखते हैं और अल्लाह तुम्हारी नीयत देखता हैं
- ना सूरत बुरी, ना सीरत बुरी, बुरा वो जिसकी नीयत बुरी
- उनके साथ जरूर रहो, जिनका वक्त खराब है पर उनका साथ छोड़ दो जिनकी नीयत ख़राब हैं.
- इतनी जल्दी मौसम नहीं बदलता , जितनी जल्दी इंसान की नीयत और नजरें बदल जाती हैं.
- अगर नीयत अच्छी हो तो नसीब में कभी बुरा नहीं होता.
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